Donkey
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:49 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2021 8:31 am
1180 Views
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A man walked into his local pub and was a little surprised to see a donkey standing by the bar, and asked the barman why it was there. "It's a little competition I've set up for the punters." replied the barman. "If you can make the donkey laugh you get free drinks all evening." "O. K.", said the man, "I reckon I can do it, but I'll need to take the donkey outside." The barman agreed to this, and the man led the donkey outside. Within seconds, the donkey crawled back in through the door and rolled on the floor almost breathless with laughter. "Blimey!" said the barman, "I've never seen that happen before! Free drinks all night it is then, as promised. Tell you what, if you can make the donkey cry, I'll give you free drinks all week!" The man took a sip of his drink, then lead the donkey outside again, and in a minute or so the donkey quietly returned to the bar and suddenly broke down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably. "I've never seen anything like it!" said the barman, "How did you do it?" "Well," said the man "I made the donkey laugh by telling it I had the biggest willy." "I must admit that is quite funny," said the barman, "but how did you make it cry?" "By showing it to him."
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rover
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:48 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
1068 Views
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A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time, and had been invited to dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog, Rover, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it had been a large dinner and the boy really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart. "Rover! Get out!" the father yelled. "This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks it's the farting!" So he let out another one, somewhat louder than the first. "Rover! Get out from under that chair!" the father barked. The boy was feeling more confident now that the was clearly getting the blame, so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. "Rover! For god's sake get out from under that chair before the boy shits on you!"
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genie
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:47 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
1065 Views
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A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit an object buried in the earth, which turned out to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man pulled the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a flash of light and a clap of thunder and suddenly standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his small home was transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive. "You have one wish left, master. What is it to be?" asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle." said the man.
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monkey
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:46 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
1101 Views
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A man is hitch-hiking up the dual carriageway when a lorry stops for him. As he climbs into the cab he notices a monkey sitting on the dashboard. After chatting for a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says, "I'll show you." He hits the monkey very hard with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the cab. The monkey picks itself up and disappears between the drivers legs, unzips his jeans, pulls out the driver's willy and proceeds to give him a blow job. Afterwards the monkey gets some tissues, cleans the driver up, zips it all back and jumps back up on the dashboard. "See that?" said the trucker. "Yeah, bloody amazing!" says the man. Then trucker asks the him, "Do you want to give it a try?" The man says, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey....."
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exam
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:45 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
1140 Views
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A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
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Blonde joke
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:44 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
1118 Views
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it's because you're blonde." The following day the girl came skipping home from school again. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? a, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school once again. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a fine pair of 36C breasts. "Very good," said her somewhat embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" "No, dear, it's because you're 25."
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69
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:43 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2019 2:21 pm
1122 Views
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A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a 69er." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings, so she tells him to answer the door. "But my face is a mess! I can't go to the door like this!" he says. She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." So he opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The postman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam around your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.
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Married
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Posted:Oct 12, 2017 2:42 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2017 1:51 pm
1091 Views
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A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs.... and he starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me!"
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Erection
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Posted:Apr 24, 2013 4:37 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2017 1:51 pm
5875 Views
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A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
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Clinton
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Posted:Apr 24, 2013 4:20 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2017 2:47 pm
5952 Views
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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That's not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I'll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."
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Blow job
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Posted:Apr 24, 2013 4:18 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
5842 Views
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
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Little Matt
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Posted:Apr 18, 2013 3:24 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
5892 Views
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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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Cunts
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Posted:Apr 18, 2013 3:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 1:51 am
5874 Views
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Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
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